THAT SNEAKY BASTARD C!

Michelle, my wife and partner of 26+ years, beat cancer six years ago. People say you have to get past cancer, that cancer can’t rule your life, there’s life after cancer, blah, blah, blah. Well that would be wonderful but no matter how many years go by every time you get your six month check up you have that anxiety and familiar fear that comes up until the blood test comes back and it’s good. The markers are like they were and then you can breathe a sigh of relief.

So we hit the six year mark. After 5 years you’re free right? Bullshit! (More on this later). The markers had been consistent & low for six years.  Now we were rolling right along getting on with our lives, we made it, we did it, it’s over and then the 6 year blood test comes back and it’s higher than it’s ever been. I’m not talking a little higher I’m talking a lot. And then we’re told we have to wait a month a whole month to see if it’s changed up or down because it could be an anomaly. A month is like a fucking year when your head is making up strange things and playing scary tricks on you. You’re imagining everything that could possibly be wrong. You madly google everything about cancer, tumor makers anything that you can find to make you feel better. You see you pick and choose what to believe and skip the bad. Selective internet craziness I call it.  So you sweat out a month, trying to be positive trying to do affirmations. Trying to say that the lab was wrong or they wrote it in wrong, it’s just a fluke, no I got it, it’s an anomaly.  Maybe it’s the medication Michelle is on, maybe maybe, maybe, maybe. Because I’m unemployed I have a lot more free time to freak myself out! And then the blood test comes back again and it’s even higher and that’s when you go why did we have to wait a fucking month and then they want to do a CT scan but that’s not until a week from the time of the second blood test! A week!!! We have to wait another week! What could happen in a week? Things grow in a week don’t they? We’re not talking logic here. More affirmations, more positive thoughts, more it’s probably just a cyst, more  but they told us they got it all!!!!

She just got her life back after fighting off her last chemo brain! She finally got a full time job with benefits after years of looking.

This can’t be happening!!!!!

And then the results. That fucking bastardized C is back!!!